Funnies

Summer is coming and everybody is trying become finely honed athletes within the space of between 1 week (exremely ambitious) and 3 years (downright lazy), please see somebody's experience below:

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrongwith you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into aregular workout routine.

Dear Diary ,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week ofpersonal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school footballcheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go aheadand give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer namedBelinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor andmodel for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The clubencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
____________ _________ _________ __
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it waswell worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waitingfor me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancingeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watchingthe skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after myworkout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut wasalready aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This isgoing to be a FANTASTIC week!
____________ _________ _________ __
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the airthen she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on thetreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made itall worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
____________ _________ _________ _
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on thecounter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have ahernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try tosteer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered otherclub members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in themorning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERYannoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on thestair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate anactivity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would helpme get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
____________ _________ _________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as herthin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help beinga half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, Iran and hid in the rest-room. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
____________ _________ _________ _
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated anyother human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could movewithout unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! Andif you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells oranything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutritionteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coachor the choir director?
____________ _________ _________ __
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrillyvoice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice mademe want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked thestrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straighthours of the Weather Channel.
____________ _________ _________ __
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go andthank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year mydaughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- likea root canal or a hysterectomy . I still say if God had wanted me tobend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Let loose!!

Hi, I have now been set free from the constraints of Twitter!! how fab is that I can now ramble about life, cycling, work, amusing things etc without worrying that I'm boring people that are following me or going into minus numbers I love twitter but I dread the red! (for people who use twitter as it was intended this would never apply but for the likes of myself who talks far too much, you are allowed only 140 characters - whats that all about)!!